Hi my candy, this is a letter for you which you will never read. or else you would feel like i am weirdo or something.
if i'd known then you would be the one to save me, would i allowed that?
it all goes 2 and half years back, i had a tiny crush on your friend and i specificly went from one party to another to see him. and there were you. with all these parties i gave you nickname - candy, because you looked so sweet and in some way adorable. and i talked to you, just found an excuse to come to you and speak to you. apparently you don't remember that and i am grateful you don't. that was silly anyway. and then somehow you got away. i remember my disappointment when i didn't see you anymore at those events, like something i got so used to was gone, but that's life as i said to myself. few months later i started to hang around HIM, which again wasn't the best idea of my life, but i was in love or at least let myself have feelings for someone. and that didn't work out, apparently also my work suffered then, but i hated it anyway. then i started to look for new job, does that ring something? if not yet, it will soon. after a month of looking through all interesting and not intersting job ads i saw something that wasn't particualary my taste, however something caught my interest in that one. it was assistant job and i wasn't really looking for one, but i saved it anyway, because i knew that in the mornings i think more clearlier and then i send out all my applications usually.
so it was 5.50 a.m when i looked again at the ad and wrote to application that name i was supposed to adress my aplication. and i had good positive emotion about that name, which usually doesn't happen. i usually google only companies, but this time this name wouldn't let me be, i knew it was familiar, so i just facebooked that name and didn't get any answers, then i thought oh, let's google then and when i typed first name i knew it! i just knew it without even typing your second name, it was YOU!!! i had flashbacks of all our meetings and i wished from all of my heart you would pick me as your new assistant. or at least pick me to come to the interview. which you didn't. but i knew you looked at my cv and application many times. and i understand why you didn't pick me, the competion was tough and i didn't have few qualities you valued, for the job anyway. so few months later my friend came up with the plan to meet someone she wanted to meet a long time ago, don't get it wrong, all purely professional, nothing groupie-like. and i rememeber my envy, i wanted to see you too. by that time i got to know some stuff about you, where excatly is your office and even your phone number (not that difficult if you ask me), your age (i had to use a bit of creativity with that one) and then i felt that i was ready to meet you.
on one of my free day i walked on the street, somewehere near your office, just so maybe i could steal a glimpse from you, not really considering if i'd see you or not, i was for no reason really and as i walked away from there i thought how'd i create our meeting, how you'd see me too, because for some reason everything about you made me feel happy. and that was a long walk, so you'd know. and then it hit me - since the job you offered was in company that provides something i was interested in before, i'd contact you on that level, i have few questions and maybe you could help me. however i knew that we had mutual friends, i tried to use one of them so she could advise me to contact you. however we both know that people are not so intelligent and we shouldn't count on that really. so one day i just decided this is it, i'm gonna write to you, tomorrow (i had some quite stressful times behind me and then i was ready to hit the floor again). i wrote to you and went to my 2 job interviews. when the other was done, you had written me back, being very openminded about my suggestions. during that time i recieved a joboffer, to company that provides similar services as yours, only doing it in much bigger styles. and you have no idea, i wanted to see you and i felt like i was doing so wrong by contacting you and having them offer me that job. i postponed giving them clear answer until i got your clear answer on how we'd meet. and when all was cleared i thought i'd tell you this right from the beginning, i hate lying. so if you'd wanted to leave, you could have. but you didn't, i had one of the best times in my life with you, you are smart and witty and intelligent and sweet and so warm and effortlessly cool. i think then i fell in love. for few weeks i had nothing but good words about you, i smiled and laughed and wanted to see you again. when i told my friend about you, she asked me if i wasn't as hopless with that case as i have been with others. and i got scared, maybe i'll do the same mistakes i did before. however this didn't stop me then, i wanted to see you again, but this turned out to be rather difficult as you know - i called you when you were at funeral and then when you had meeting, i thought i was doomed. and then it became even more difficult, you said no to me. and i have problems with that. you see i cannot accept it when someone says 'no'. then i thought this time i am smarter and i'll let it go, won't hang on too long and make a fool out of myself, you see, our buisnesses work together too, as you told me. quite shitty situation, ain't it. and then i didn't dare anymore to do anything, to talk to you, to facebook chat with you, which i didn't do before that anyway. so then at one point i needed a little help for my friend's project and i asked your help, with you said you sadly cannot offer since you had no experiences on that field yourself. and i was disappointed. i tried to find events we both attend and then i didn't see you in those and my disappointment grew - WTF??? really, i was angry. so angry i could have slapped myself, you work 300 meters away from me, sit in facebook almost as much as i do (workstuff in my case) and i cannot contact you. then one day i saw you, actually first your car, then you and i knew this is it, i can have conversation with you based on that. i think you slightly hesitaded at first, but then you started to warm up, we both don't know much about cars, but pleanty about other stuff. my sister told me that i have problems, which of course i do. but the problem she saw was that i chose you, i went after you, wanted to get you and your attention and then kaboom fell in love with you. rather embarrasing. and then i got even more scared, what if i really make those mistakes again.
now this is how you changed my life - i turned to my other sister for help, so she could tell me what to do, i didn't want to carry on this way, so later on you'd be like obession to me, i couldn't let you go before, if you'd push me away even more, it goes worse. and she offered me a therapist, to make myself clear why i act like this and how to make it stop.
i've had few sessions with her and these have been only helpful. so to make a conclusion, i wanted to be a better person for you, so i turned to get help. no matter if i get you and be someone special for you, or just leave you alone if you let me know that you want it, i'll should be able to do that. i can thank you for making me see that. with you i am different. so please if we meet (hopefully soon, even if it's just facebook) again, you'll be openminded, i want to give you back something in return you have given me. my life will be no same and you are the one who helped me to see that i need a change. we don't know we're just getting started, but i am ready to say goodbye to my single status with you, i wanna lose myself with you!
