we had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun... and in the rain

as i'm trying on clothes what to wear tomorrow in an exam with JC and after that at my first day as unofficial assistant, i started to think - am i like the lady with the dog? will i feel sadness when i'm leaving them after next saturday?
the answer is no. you ask why. well maybe because i'm not going THAT far away, i suspect it has something to do with the eagerness in me to start in a new position. unlike to me, i've kept my mouth pretty shut about it, just closest people and some others who are kind of involved.
i won't lie, i enjoyed the time there with my co-workers, bigger part of them are my friends. but nothing that i would really miss... okay, maybe some good bitchin'. surely i won't miss those times when i had to work on saturdays, yet more on sundays. come on! or running from work to home to see canada gp, or to go to work after australian gp or after some nascar races, i've been close to trainwreck (feeling, not looking).  i can wear high heels again.. of course now i only see positive sides, forgetting all the pressure and resposibility i have, but let me live in my dream perfect world for a bit before the reality hits me.
keep your fingers crossed for my exam with JC.. i tried skirt but THAT one would be too much for first day at work.

after that night i don't have to look for falling stars for a while

oh well, i finally did it. i've aimed higher and reached a goal i set to myself, even quicker than i hoped for. i know i don't really know how to write anything while i'm feeling so damn good. last attenpt basically ended with only one word - whoohoo!!!
so i took a chance in which i really didn't believe in, i knew i had other options, but not that comfortable as that last one. i joked on it and then all the suddenly, it was a certain plan - i go and i do it!
and all this started develop so fast, you have no idea, monday was the interview and on friday i singed, sealed and it was delivered to me - that baby is mine! it's quite difficult to understand all that still, now when i've had time to think about it for longer. anyway a good reason to buy some shoes and clothes. i put my eye on new phone too - pink it must be, even though i'll get a work phone too. feels so grown up. i've even abandoned my 3-rd, 4-th, 5-th and 6-th earring (thank god that my tattoo and bellybutton ring are quite hidden from everyone's eyes). btw my contract says that i'm not allowed to get preagnant for next 1.5 years. no problem there until i'm in charge in that area. it's not like you fall preagnant as you fall ill, right :)
there was this intense time between wednesday and friday, the second interview and then waiting for the decision. anyone who's seen  Kimi Räikkönen, or at least seen his faceexpression pretty much all the time - emotionless, you maybe could imagine me as him. as funny as it might sound for an emotional person as i am - i felt the same way, not really encouranging myself, always be ready ready for the best, but be more ready for the worst solution. i tried not to show my emotions to my co-workers, everybody knew anyway, these things are never secret in our house. and not only that, i was competing against my own friend. for me it's the worst feeling ever, one of us had to lose. and i've lost to her once. we joked with my co-workers that if i land this thing then i'll act like those america's next top models - first act surprised and think - oooohhh it's me.. and then start to cry as loud as possible..
to say that i was surprised wouldn't be entirely true, though i'm not so sure if i'm entirely ready to take that much resposiblity on my shoulders... well we just have to wait and see how things turn out.
at this moment one thing is clear - i don't have problems getting weekends off for f1 or nascar (okay, i don't really need a off-weekend for nascar, but i'm not really thrilled about thinking that i should work after i've woken up at 2.a.m to watch the race), and then feel bad about this because of my co-workers.
i've worked for this chance for 2.5 years, now it's time to show that i'm worth it :)

it's that heat, that heat, that heat...

okay, this goes weird now. my tonight's dream i think. lately i have problems with sleeping, as i have mentioned before i guess. now there's an addition to my problems. i blame the heat, for many nights i just cannot sleep because my appartment is way too hot.
tonight i was with unfairly genetically blessed guy again. it's been a while from the last time he appeared in my dreams. he appeared to be like a security guy, only not wearing any kind of uniform (that things never works for me), but i knew it was him and he was kind of taking care of me (usually those things don't happen, i'm too independent to let a man take care of me). he took me from one place to the other, so we had to spend a little time in the tiniest elevator i have seen. just like the one i have in my building, only even smaller. we were there very close to each other and i told him that he needn't to do that, it's not like i don't know how to use an elevator or even less, know the building, for some reason this place should have been the one i knew. i was quite rude with him, for some reason it seemed i was angry at him. he told me that i know exactly why he had to do it, which i didn't, to be honest. and even less i show to men that i don't get what they are saying. so we came out of the elevator, i made him a proposition, more like a silent one, because i don't remember saying anything to him. at that moment i looked only at the skirt i was wearing, not long, not short, the last black one i brought, which shows amazingly well my figure and legs and i was also wearing high heels, because we were on the same hight. we kissed each other on the cheeks and huged and he whispered to me that he couldn't.. just that he couldn't. and that was it, i was like 'okay, then' and left. he just let me walk away only my high heels making sounds in empty silent hallway. and be sure on one thing - i just don't walk away like that...
it's that heat, that heat, that heat...

I'd be foolish to ignore the possibility

i do not understand why is stubborness considered as a bad personal quality. i mean winner never quit, quiters never win, right? so when you give up after even a tiniest obstacle, then why to even bother start fighting. i usually go after what i want and don't give up after all the hope is finally gone and burried, because if there's even a little hope that i might succeed then why should i leave it like that, or i have caught that? take a chance, make a change? yes, surely. and i do it in personal and professional life. well previously did in personal, now also in professional life. i've been always on oppionion that if you do not take chances, you'll regeret it afterwards, like what would have happened if i tried a little bit more. if i have used all possible and impossible chances, then i have no regret, i know what happened when i tried a little more. it might take some time and courage to run against the wall, some have it, some don't. some are willing to run against the wall more than once and just maybe if you have run enough times with good amount of courage, speed and power that wall breaks down and you'll have what you want. but here comes the catch. what bothers me about my stubborness is that after chasing something for long time and then catching it, i lose my interest in it quickly and continue wanting it only because i have worked hard for it. they say that chase is better than catch. so that means i need something to chace after, that triggers my interests and i will never completly catch it, only pieces, because even the most stubborn people give up after some time when they don't see any results, that would really intrigue me. only show me what that might be?

maybe i am on sugar high?

Recently i haven’t slept good at nights. I see a lot of dreams, i wake up too many times and i feel too damn tired in the mornings when i have to wake up. Add to this a little worry about a person whom i haven’t seen in days, too bad i cannot call her and ask if everything's alright. But this nights dream stuck out, the moment i woke up i tried my best to hold on to that, to remember every piece i could. So here it comes. Sounds more like a tv-show this time.

It was a sunny day. I was in a penthouse with 2 girls and a guy and we all knew each other.. well actually i seemed to know the girls. Outside, there was a building in flames, we watched it from the window and it looked terrible. So this guy went completly insane, it’s quite hard to describe what showed that. His girlfriend, also one of the girls, told me that he can’t stand the smell of smoke, that it not only irritates him, it's so much more. Meanwhile we saw how the roof of the building collapsed. For the same reason they went away. I was left in the penthouse all alone and i went through all the rooms. Everywhere was quite noiticeable smell of smoke, me as no-smoker, i’m usually the one who detects all that. So i went to catch up with the girls to give them the information update. The guy, who’s name was supposed to be Brad, was already gone. His girlfriend told me that’s not really good news. We were walking near the beach in some forrest when they both jumped up and started to climb on one pole, becuse of one guy who started to follow us. They told me to do the same. Then i understood that we were supposed to be some kind of creatures, i don’t know what kind really, not vampires i hope, that would be so lame. Anyway they told me that we have to look out for someone who wants to catch us, but before that the guy who wanted to catch us started to climb on the 4-th side of the same pole as we jumped off from it. In that moment came one blonde girl who Brad’s girlfriend just knocked down, saying – could you and him have a little chat?

The other girl told me that this was Brad’s lover and that girl is still a bit angry about that. And that usually we don’t have to be afraid about the guys coming after us, but now it was a different situation.

My god, my dreams are getting weirder and weirder by minute.

drowing lessons

today i had my very first job interview over what 5 years! can you believe that? anyway to not to be nervous, i decided not to tell about it to anyone.. and omg i really managed to surprise myself, until today at 6 p.m anyone who i know didn't know about it. i am a bit superstitious and not only that, later on i don't want to tell really any of 'my people' what might have went wrong.
so first of all, i wasn't quite sure where this place was supposed to be, i gave a little look on it yesterday after the call was made for me to stop by at them, but since i was working on my schoolthingy, i didn't give that much attention or thought, i knew i had pleanty of time in the evening or in the morning. in the evening at home (i was previously spending time in libary when the call came) i was still working on my project, so i still thought okay, i have enough time in the morning.. and with that thought i didn't even bother to pick up the clothes i would wear.
today, it was 9 a.m i started to prepare myself, hair, make-up - easy... clothes - not that easy, but also not that difficult. then - where is my nail polish? okay, quick change to plum purple and it's good. at 10 a.m i started to look how would i get there and with 15 minutes trying to use my brain and knowledges i figured things out. on the last minute of course, at the same time figuring out how i would explain if i was late.
while sitting in the tram i was thinking that if i manage to make it on time there, then i should change my cv a bit, from 'punctual' to 'extremely lucky to manage to make it on time' since lately it happens with my usual work annoyingly often too and i live like 15 min away from my work and seems like i have timed myself with summer so well that i have troubles making it on time in winter.
so there i was, talking to that guy and i didn't feel a thing, no butterflys in my stomach, no nervous smiles or hand shivering, it's like i would do it every day. good and confident, like with JC's presentation in a language i don't feel very comfortable in. though i have to say i lost my head a bit while he was questioning me, but as a positive thing, he praised me for strong comeback. and i still tried to go around like i did with my physics tests at high school.. if you don't know the answer try to spin people's head :)
one thing i know for sure, looking at the next candidate after me - i was better in the looks department ;) i'm still a woman and i don't think that guy was any kind of competition there for me. and i know how to dress better too.. maybe should have said that to my interviewer, too? quality that makes me better than the others, maybe.
anyway keep your fingers crossed for me, soon i should get the answer. though to say, i don't have any kind of feeling about this, did i good or went it bad? i hope i won't be too disappointed when they choose someone else over me, i haven't had an interview for ages, it was about time to do that too.