whatever happens, happens.. but not because i wasn't brave enough

that's all i wanted to say, just a tiny thought

My life will be no same

Hi my candy, this is a letter for you which you will never read. or else you would feel like i am weirdo or something.
if i'd known then you would be the one to save me, would i allowed that?
it all goes 2 and half years back, i had a tiny crush on your friend and i specificly went from one party to another to see him. and there were you. with all these parties i gave you nickname - candy, because you looked so sweet and in some way adorable. and i talked to you, just found an excuse to come to you and speak to you. apparently you don't remember that and i am grateful you don't. that was silly anyway. and then somehow you got away. i remember my disappointment when i didn't see you anymore at those events, like something i got so used to was gone, but that's life as i said to myself. few months later i started to hang around HIM, which again wasn't the best idea of my life, but i was in love or at least let myself have feelings for someone. and that didn't work out, apparently also my work suffered then, but i hated it anyway. then i started to look for new job, does that ring something? if not yet, it will soon. after a month of looking through all interesting and not intersting job ads i saw something that wasn't particualary my taste, however something caught my interest in that one. it was assistant job and i wasn't really looking for one, but i saved it anyway, because i knew that in the mornings i think more clearlier and then i send out all my applications usually.
so it was 5.50 a.m when i looked again at the ad and wrote to application that name i was supposed to adress my aplication. and i had good positive emotion about that name, which usually doesn't happen. i usually google only companies, but this time this name wouldn't let me be, i knew it was familiar, so i just facebooked that name and didn't get any answers, then i thought oh, let's google then and when i typed first name i knew it! i just knew it without even typing your second name, it was YOU!!! i had flashbacks of all our meetings and i wished from all of my heart you would pick me as your new assistant. or at least pick me to come to the interview. which you didn't. but i knew you looked at my cv and application many times. and i understand why you didn't pick me, the competion was tough and i didn't have few qualities you valued, for the job anyway. so few months later my friend came up with the plan to meet someone she wanted to meet a long time ago, don't get it wrong, all purely professional, nothing groupie-like. and i rememeber my envy, i wanted to see you too. by that time  i got to know some stuff about you, where excatly is your office and even your phone number (not that difficult if you ask me), your age (i had to use a bit of creativity with that one) and then i felt that i was ready to meet you.
on one of my free day i walked on the street, somewehere near your office, just so maybe i could steal a glimpse from you, not really considering if i'd see you or not, i was for no reason really and as i walked away from there i thought how'd i create our meeting, how you'd see me too, because for some reason everything about you made me feel happy. and that was a long walk, so you'd know. and then it hit me - since the job you offered was in company that provides something i was interested in before, i'd contact you on that level, i have few questions and maybe you could help me. however i knew that we had mutual friends, i tried to use one of them so she could advise me to contact you. however we both know that people are not so intelligent and we shouldn't count on that really. so one day i just decided this is it, i'm gonna write to you, tomorrow (i had some quite stressful times behind me and then i was ready to hit the floor again). i wrote to you and went to my 2 job interviews. when the other was done, you had written me back, being very openminded about my suggestions. during that time i recieved a joboffer, to company that provides similar services as yours, only doing it in much bigger styles. and you have no idea, i wanted to see you and i felt like i was doing so wrong by contacting you and having them offer me that job. i postponed giving them clear answer until i got your clear answer on how we'd meet. and when all was cleared i thought i'd tell you this right from the beginning, i hate lying. so if you'd wanted to leave, you could have. but you didn't, i had one of the best times in my life with you, you are smart and witty and intelligent and sweet and so warm and effortlessly cool. i think then i fell in love. for few weeks i had nothing but good words about you, i smiled and laughed and wanted to see you again. when i told my friend about you, she asked me if i wasn't as hopless with that case as i have been with others. and i got scared, maybe i'll do the same mistakes i did before. however this didn't stop me then, i wanted to see you again, but this turned out to be rather difficult as you know - i called you when you were at funeral and then when you had meeting, i thought i was doomed. and then it became even more difficult, you said no to me. and i have problems with that. you see i cannot accept it when someone says 'no'. then i thought this time i am smarter and i'll let it go, won't hang on too long and make a fool out of myself, you see, our buisnesses work together too, as you told me. quite shitty situation, ain't it. and then i didn't dare anymore to do anything, to talk to you, to facebook chat with you, which i didn't do before that anyway. so then at one point i needed a little help for my friend's project and i asked your help, with you said you sadly cannot offer since you had no experiences on that field yourself. and i was disappointed. i tried to find events we both attend and then i didn't see you in those and my disappointment grew - WTF??? really, i was angry. so angry i could have slapped myself, you work 300 meters away from me, sit in facebook almost as much as i do (workstuff in my case) and i cannot contact you. then one day i saw you, actually first your car, then you and i knew this is it, i can have conversation with you based on that. i think you slightly hesitaded at first, but then you started to warm up, we both don't know much about cars, but pleanty about other stuff. my sister told me that i have problems, which of course i do. but the problem she saw was that i chose you, i went after you, wanted to get you and your attention and then kaboom fell in love with you. rather embarrasing. and then i got even more scared, what if i really make those mistakes again.
now this is how you changed my life - i turned to my other sister for help, so she could tell me what to do, i didn't want to carry on this way, so later on you'd be like obession to me, i couldn't let you go before, if you'd push me away even more, it goes worse. and she offered me a therapist, to make myself clear why i act like this and how to make it stop.
i've had few sessions with her and these have been only helpful. so to make a conclusion, i wanted to be a better person for you, so i turned to get help. no matter if i get you and be someone special for you, or just leave you alone if you let me know that you want it, i'll should be able to do that. i can thank you for making me see that. with you i am different. so please if we meet (hopefully soon, even if it's just facebook) again, you'll be openminded, i want to give you back something in return you have given me. my life will be no same and you are the one who helped me to see that i need a change. we don't know we're just getting started, but i am ready to say goodbye to my single status with you, i wanna lose myself with you!

with the full moon in my eyes i find it hard to believe that the rest of them all have found the meaning of dreams and joy

blame it on the alcohol or blame it on the full moon - damn i'm scared. honestly!
i haven't named him yet, so here you go, i've always thought he was so nice looking guy, so now he is my candy
you see, i met my candy 2 years ago, i was intertested in his friend then, but already then in knew it wasn't worth it, it was just a little game and fun to play around a bit. and then came him - my candy and be sure he looks really like so sweet you want to eat him and when he talks - he is perfect: hot, intelligent, fit, hot again, hot like 100000000x times, he makes me breathless even when he is on facebook chat, that sinking feeling in stomack, his grey eyes and smile... how he laughs.. he is truly a candy... he is someone who i admire, for his creativity, his talent, his success in field you'd never think he'd be, his brain, his... just carry on, i'm in love
today is the day i'm doing what i did 4 years ago, with not much success. and it's because of him. i am following a pattern that i don't want to, i should have learnt from that - but what? that being in love isn't for me? or that i should just settle with something less, because i am less than him?
one thought of his pretty eyes makes my own eyes turn red inside... and i don't know how to reach you my candy...
i'm scared to death.. i don't have any specific plan, however i want to see him that much. it drives me insane that 5 days a week between us is some 300m and i cannot see you, or your unshaved beard which i adore.. i want to see you and i want so much more than that, you know (or don't really) i ask for a little more.
why do i keep doing that - torturing myself and fucking up all relationships with oposite sex?
just what to do? i am not normal

In this dream we stick together

Yesterday I came home from a walk and I thought I saw you. With another girl. I passed those 2 people quickly and analyzed if one of them could have been you for few moments, almost same height, dark hair (no that guy had darker hair than you, or maybe it was just the night light), bodytype (you should have bigger biceps), that was all I could see with those short moments. Oh and the fact that I do not believe you'd go out with that kind of girl. You can't, you are not like that.
So I messed it up again. Not in a big way like I usually do, you asked me something I wasn't ready for to answer and I just said the first things that were on my mind. Nothing unfixable, I could easily make you feel like you overreacted, learned that skill from my very young friend. But I don't know how to reach you, I mean I could write you e-mail, but then you wouldn't see my big blue eyes making you feel that you are silly boy here, I could call you, but the last call we shared was a little unlucky one and you know that I have really shity timing while I call, and I would need a fucking good reason to call and that would not be - oh you missunderstood me. And we could meet - yes, that's the one last thing I am counting on, meeting you. I mean how hard can it be anyway, when your office is almost right across the street of mine. I have a little peeping place there too, I can see people, but they can't see me, 6-th floor you know :) However, I can't see your office from there, just a tiny eating place. Apparently it is hard to meet you like that. What should I do? One thought of your pretty eyes makes my own eyes turn red inside.
I don't dream and think how good we'd be together, I want to see that. I want you!!! Because from one thing I could see, we have chemistry

hey do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya.....

do you remember when i looked into your grey eyes and told you something i should forget i said too?
do you remember that you looked shorter than me when i wore my stripper-heals?
do you remember my yellow dress (cause if you do, i won't wear it anymore)?
do you remember my name or did you hear it at all that evening?
do you remember that spring seeing me almost everywhere you were too?
do you know that i hit on you (most probably) friend (i truly hope not)?
do you know you've seen me in completly different light than my friends?
do you know i'm becoming quite stalkerish when it comes to you?
do you want to see me again, because i'm 'seeing' you everywhere and can't wait until we meet again in real life....

whataya want from me?

if i should describe my friendship with my young boy, it's like dark chocolate with cherry and chili filling - it's bitter, sweet and always has peppery aftertaste. and i love it. were never those just sweet friends. we like to tease each other and laugh at each other, but for me, i just care so much for him that when he cries, i cry, when he's hurt, my heart falls to thousands of pieces.
so now that he has teased me a little longer than my patience allows me (more than 48 hours), i feel hurt. so tell me now whataya want from me? i've already apologized...

you think we're lost, we're exploring

today at work while thinking if i would be my boss would i fire myself, i caught a thought. how many of the choices that have changed my life have been directly influenced by men.. well of course i understand that people around us influence us, but some of the decisions i've made have been influenced by people i maybe have met just once...
if i go back 10 years it was me and my then best friend. in our class was this new boy, well at that time there were a lot of new boys, but he caught my eye immediately - this dark-haired cute guy. my friend who didn't have such crush on him as i did told me then - for him we have to stick around and not get kicked out of school, not that it would have threatend me anyway ever, on the other hand her...
and then about 7 years ago i met this guy who does not have the same nationality as i do, but i thought if i have this serious crush on him, i'll learn his language, since we were both terrible in other mother languages.. well that didn't work out, later i just thought that i didn't have that great crush on him..
here's one story more - when things were turning bad with my bad romance and we worked on the same building, i didn't have issuses with that, but anyway wanted out, so i decided i needed to go to university, to get something more...
and now 4 years later when i look for new job and seach for myself i looked a job offer, the contact person was someone who i have met before, one of the cutest eye candies ever. and there it was, the thing he offered was something i knew instantly i wanted to do, i want to go and study more this field and work in that.. maybe it's irrational decision based on my stupid emotion, maybe it's more
so you might think i'm lost, i'm just exploring... with little help from male creatures