i don't understand why is it so hard for me to take if someone who i had thought has bigger interst in me than i in him has lost it or hasn't had it at all?
i know the ego-stuff.
i know where it started. when my boyfriend broke up with me. you know i always thought in our relationship i was the one who held all the ropes. anyway the minute he told me we were over, i was shocked. if i had seen that coming, i most probably would have told him 'i will not accept this!' before that i was more than sure i had him running after me, not the opposite.
don't get me wrong, i don't think i'm THAT irresistible....
i'm in a relationship now, my subsitude relationship, after the thing with my bad (and it was extremely bad) romance ended. you cannot switch off your feelings, i tried that, on one certain day after saying about 7-10 times that this is it, i made up my mind completly. and replaced one relationship with another. and that one has lasted longer than any of my others - i pay for that, i cheat in that and i lie. but i also love it. my school. i dumped all other emotions involving real realtionships for this one, knowing that i have major difficulties having more than one thing to focus on, i chose this one, until today am not regretting. i am more individualist and enjoy rather my own company than people's who i often forgive their foolishness only because they're cute.
so is it time for me to come down off my cloud and admit to myself that i think i'm too good for some people, yet i still want them to pay attention to me and i'm so not ready to return the favour.. or i just read them so wrong. that's a possibilty aswell
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
it's a bad dream?
i'm writing this while my favorite tv show is loading.
to start for the beginning i should say that there are two sorts of nightmares i have: a) a combo of red hot chili peppers - otherside and robbie williams trippin' vidoes and b) i see my passed away father. in those last nightmares i ask him all the time how is it possible that he is alive when i was there when he was buried, i saw him in that coffin with my own eyes. this is pure horror, i tell you
in about last 2.5 weeks i've seen him 3 times. once when he consoled me when i was helplessly crying, in real life he has never done anything like that. second time about a week ago he was like usual himself and tonight, the third time, he was different again.
maybe it's all because i'm gonna have in few minutes my weekly dose of Ed Westwick aka Chuck Bass. since there wasn't a show last week i watched some of the best episodes last night, while it was the only thing my internet loaded up (storm to be blamed for lack of internet service), everyone who has ever watched the show know their parent-child relationship. so i guess i can put some of the the blame for my somewhat weird dream on fact that i watched Chuck and his father a little before i went to sleep.
but that's not it. i the dream was a certain guy and his father, the sweet dream guy aka unfairly genetically blessed guy. somehow, even if i've been quite critical about the role his daddy played in this guy's career, i've always envied him - his father cared enough, that certain guy looks up to him, they have strong parent-child relationship, which sadly i've never had with neither of my parents.
so i saw them too, daddy in a wheelchair, but as i learned during the dream, when i saw them walking on beach, that he didn't actually need it all the time, looking younger and better (meaning more alike to his son) than i have ever seen. i remember telling to my mother that they look so much alike. and then there was my father, not behaving fatherly, but he was there, for me...and i didn't have to scream 'you are dead, don't be alive, you can't be alive! it was just a moment - we three silently witnessing something we never had.
and that certain guy, well he continued to be in my dream even after all the other people had gone. i can come up with explaination why he was there in my dream aswell, just yesterday i read something about his future plans, something more certain than ever. anyway it seemed like we were on a party, but actually it was a shooting of an ad for dancingshoes. and he moved from one place to another, still ending up dancing with me and my friend. although we supposed to have fun and all he was bit serious like he always has been, anyway in my dreams. we still shooted that commercial when my phone started singing - 'ay,ay,ay, i'm....' that's when i already react, it's time to wake up.
not such a bad dream afterall, ah? anyway it's something that will keep me thinking all day
to start for the beginning i should say that there are two sorts of nightmares i have: a) a combo of red hot chili peppers - otherside and robbie williams trippin' vidoes and b) i see my passed away father. in those last nightmares i ask him all the time how is it possible that he is alive when i was there when he was buried, i saw him in that coffin with my own eyes. this is pure horror, i tell you
in about last 2.5 weeks i've seen him 3 times. once when he consoled me when i was helplessly crying, in real life he has never done anything like that. second time about a week ago he was like usual himself and tonight, the third time, he was different again.
maybe it's all because i'm gonna have in few minutes my weekly dose of Ed Westwick aka Chuck Bass. since there wasn't a show last week i watched some of the best episodes last night, while it was the only thing my internet loaded up (storm to be blamed for lack of internet service), everyone who has ever watched the show know their parent-child relationship. so i guess i can put some of the the blame for my somewhat weird dream on fact that i watched Chuck and his father a little before i went to sleep.
but that's not it. i the dream was a certain guy and his father, the sweet dream guy aka unfairly genetically blessed guy. somehow, even if i've been quite critical about the role his daddy played in this guy's career, i've always envied him - his father cared enough, that certain guy looks up to him, they have strong parent-child relationship, which sadly i've never had with neither of my parents.
so i saw them too, daddy in a wheelchair, but as i learned during the dream, when i saw them walking on beach, that he didn't actually need it all the time, looking younger and better (meaning more alike to his son) than i have ever seen. i remember telling to my mother that they look so much alike. and then there was my father, not behaving fatherly, but he was there, for me...and i didn't have to scream 'you are dead, don't be alive, you can't be alive! it was just a moment - we three silently witnessing something we never had.
and that certain guy, well he continued to be in my dream even after all the other people had gone. i can come up with explaination why he was there in my dream aswell, just yesterday i read something about his future plans, something more certain than ever. anyway it seemed like we were on a party, but actually it was a shooting of an ad for dancingshoes. and he moved from one place to another, still ending up dancing with me and my friend. although we supposed to have fun and all he was bit serious like he always has been, anyway in my dreams. we still shooted that commercial when my phone started singing - 'ay,ay,ay, i'm....' that's when i already react, it's time to wake up.
not such a bad dream afterall, ah? anyway it's something that will keep me thinking all day
Monday, November 29, 2010
The things we left unsaid are only taking space up in our head, make it my fault win the game, point the finger, place them blame, it does me up and down, it doesn't matter now
today i started to wonder how did things go so wrong, how did my best friend, who once called me her sister, became someone who i almost hate (for hating i need a lot more anger, now i'm just disappointed). in friendship you have ups a downs. half of the word friendship already is related to relationship. and there are some ships that go down, down, down... you forgive and you forget, but this time this is it, no more.
i take the blame for being naive, also for being the talkactive side and that i get quickly angry and i say sometimes things that i shouldn't have to. also that i make jokes that people all the time don't get and i am mean to the others. but in that case that other side should take also blame in something, right? because i'm not the black one and she is white.
our friendship was over a long time ago, only i was too afraid to take hew off from my friends list first, i remember the drama when i deleted her pictures from my online albums, coward i know. and i really don't like to be the one who is at war with someone for long, it's tiring. maybe that's why she knew she had so much freedom to do what she wants, in the end it was me who apologized even though i did nothing wrong.
but now she has taken this thing to absolutly another level. her tantrum once again created a lovely chaos and once more i'm the one she blames for everything, although again like previous times i'm just a bystander. though i have now back my freedom of speach in facebook, i see no end to her kindergarten games, quite contrary. i don't want to fall that deep as she is. i want to break free!
i take the blame for being naive, also for being the talkactive side and that i get quickly angry and i say sometimes things that i shouldn't have to. also that i make jokes that people all the time don't get and i am mean to the others. but in that case that other side should take also blame in something, right? because i'm not the black one and she is white.
our friendship was over a long time ago, only i was too afraid to take hew off from my friends list first, i remember the drama when i deleted her pictures from my online albums, coward i know. and i really don't like to be the one who is at war with someone for long, it's tiring. maybe that's why she knew she had so much freedom to do what she wants, in the end it was me who apologized even though i did nothing wrong.
but now she has taken this thing to absolutly another level. her tantrum once again created a lovely chaos and once more i'm the one she blames for everything, although again like previous times i'm just a bystander. though i have now back my freedom of speach in facebook, i see no end to her kindergarten games, quite contrary. i don't want to fall that deep as she is. i want to break free!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Show me the real you and I show you the real me
I have so much more to say than 140 charactes in twitter allow me to. and unlike Lewis Hamilton, i do give a f***! see you soon, when i have enough to report.
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