quick, slow, high or low, with me you're never gonna know for sure

as for a typical person who is in love, or rather call it lovesick, i change my mind. you see it's still christmas coming up. and for a person who's such an attention-whore as i am, it's impossible to keep herself in her office all day long or wearing just dark clothes and not taking care of herself, i like to be noticed. i tried to be as cold as ice, i really did, but there's a fire in me and fire that burns. so i decided i go for a new strategy, not talking about it for longer, but at this moment it makes me happy and that's the point, right? to be happy and to enjoy moments i have, even if they're just tiny ones.

if i go back once again it's like i learned nothing, standing at the front of the queue heading for trouble

i have two visions in my head - one of me in the past and one in the (near) future.
she is wearing all black - skirt and shirt looking adoringly that guy.. that morning she woke up at 5 a.m and got herself dressed, did hair and make-up, nails were done evening before and before the event went to work to serve other people. she was ready to be that evening's princess, but didn't catch really his eye, because in his arms was pretty red-head.
she will be wearing sexy black and beige unique designer dress with high black heels, probably upstaging every female that eveing, make-up done my a friend who is make-up arist, hair by her too, nails by professional, slimmer than ever. that morning she'll wake up at 10 or 11, because beauty sleep is necessary, spend day with her friends who'll make her pretty. everyone will notice her, they will be greeted by her with smile on her face, but look in her eyes is not soft and adoring - it's full of envy. she might be the star of the evening but he has eyes only for someone who looks like a wet kitten.
it's like i'm talking about two different persons. only the end will be the same.. what should i learn from my past experience that the next one wouldn't hurt? or hurt that much?

i am fragile too

have i ever said that once you cry your first tears over someone you never look that person the same way again? there then, i said it now
sometimes i honestly think why do i bother to feel anything, mostly i get back for my feelings just hurt. any surprise it happened again? no need to go into details, it's my interpretation anyway.. and there's his interpretation. probably two very different things.
with my first sentence i say it out that i won't feel for him feelings i felt before, they have flaws in and my tears too. this fairytale is broken before it had real story in it...
and with that conclusion i make a promise and i say it out loud making it a promise too to someone else who bothers to read, so i'll keep it better - she will be as cold as ice

you want to make a memory

hello my dear
do you remember that day, yes that special one. i can truly say this was my happiest day (until then). how you made me smile the brightest smile and my eyes sparkle like blue diamonds. how you made my hands shiver and heart beat faster than i ever imagined it could go. how you made me almost stutter..
too bad this was the beginning of the long end. of course in hindsight you could say so.
there's always this tiny bit i wanted to tell you. i don't hold grudges or something. it's was not you words that hurted (except that one time), it was you actions. and i'd like to tell you that i miss being in love with you (or being in love at all). i miss that dream...

she owns the night.. sort of

if somebody could sit in my head now, he/she would be very confused. you see i make up my mind about some things very quickly and then when the time is almost here, i change my mind.. or at least try to come up with pleanty of excuses why some ideas are bad.
so here it goes again. i decided already on saturday/sunday that i would go out tonight. you know my mission to become cool :) so i woke up this morning early, did 20km on bike and an hour driving with a car (my respect for racing drivers has grown a lot recently) and even paid a little visit to my beautician who just came back from vacation, she does amazing job! and then i came home, spend most of the day watching 'true blood' and  fell asleep, normal for me when i'm on vacation that i sleep during the day. so when i got up i started to think should i go out - it looks like it's gonna rain and i'm bit tired, maybe better to go out tomorrow and all my friends are out of town, sometimes i feel a bit insecure going alone... on the other hand, i looked forward to tonight and i already promised to give this dress i'm supposed to wear tomorrow evening to my sister and i have to go driving on friday, which means i try to be sober for at least 8 h before going...
then this tiny voice in mhy head says - but you still remember your last year's b'day weekend - almost no sleep, 3 parties in 2 days, more alchol than you sometimes drink in a month and Australia's F1 GP and all-work weekend, you survived it perfectly.so pretty much all arguments are here, what's the verdict? 'true blood' evening again (which isn't really THAT interesting, just something to keep me occupied) or white wine, maybe some coctail and if i'm lucky something more, like some nice new people to meet? like Alfie said - decisions, decisions...
if something worth mentioning happens tonight, i'll never doubt twice about going out again :)

how to become cool?

well it's been a long time..
last weekend i went out for a drink, since it's my vacation and i've been away from the city for about a week. i just missed it sooo much. i've been so tired recently and the decision to go out took me quite some time, should i or shouldn't i? at last i thought well why not? so i hit it to my favaorite lounge. i sat there for a while drinking my coctail, some men came to chat with me, but they were all old and from some weird countries, wanted me to come party with them later, but i didn't have that plan, at least not with that old guys.
but i did notice not far away from me in the corner a pretty woman. don't get me wrong, i'm all straight, but i appreciate when woman take care of themselves and i'm not shy giving beautiful people compliments, even when they are female. so she was there also alone and she smiled to everyone, chatted to everyone who wanted to chat with her. and i was tired from my 'company', so i thought 'what the hell, i'm bored, why not see who that woman is'. so i started chatting with her and you know that moment, when you recognize that yes, there a person who is as beautiful inside as she is from the outside. we had fun, laughing and talking.
anyway going home that evening i became slightly envious, i wanted to be like her, i wanted to be cool. it was the very first time i met a person who i wanted to be. so how to become cool? it's not like i don't smile to people.. okay, maybe i'm a little too impatient.. i would love to know what made all people, including me, want to have her attention?

i wasted years i wasted time trying to reach the stars

Siren in my head is making awful sound

It’s time to make it clear
what is lost and what is found

My life has been lame, has been lame so far
I wasted years, I wasted time trying to reach the stars
My life has been lame, has been lame so far

Give me time and give me strength,
give me strength to carry on
Give me bit of hope now,
help me through the night
Give me time and give me strength,
give me strength to carry on
Give me bit of hope now,
help me through the night

Siren in my head
Yes, I can hear it again
Is it just the beginning
or is it the end?

My life has been lame, has been lame so far
I wasted years, I wasted time trying to reach the stars
My life has been lame, has been lame so far

Give me time and give me strength,
give me strength to carry on
Give me bit of hope now,
help me through the night
Give me time and give me strength,
give me strength to carry on
Give me bit of hope now,
help me through the night

Give me time and give me strength,
give me strength to carry on
Give me bit of hope now,
help me through the night
Give me time and give me strength,
give me strength to carry on
Give me bit of hope now,

help me through the night

 this song in some eurovision song contest entry, doesn't matter really. once i read a comment that how can so young guy sing that he has wasted years? to be honest, quite easy. you see, i've been there, done that. my interpretation would be that when you take it line by line, this is what i did when i was few years younger, i heard a siren that screamed in my head - you are wasting your life, day by day. do you want to be remembered by a girl who chased after stars but never really got them. chased after bad romance. i know the time with bad romance was incredible, so many emotions, good and bad, but in the end, it became more of an obsession. this siren was once so small and when things went wrong it went louder and louder. and i tried to ignore it and i succeeded in that, but in the end you know, it becomes unbearable. love "siren"

tell them it's me who made you sad, tell them the fairytale gone bad

hello again, been quite busy recently, but i'm trying to manage so many things in the same time. and now the new nascar season started, so the nights at weekends will be even less shorter, it's the europe's thing. a little bit sad that Nelson retired because of engine, don't know why, but i feel a lot better when he's had a crash or something, that makes him directly involved.
anyway, after that night which was just few hours sleep, because i never sleep after the race, too much adrenaline, even though it ended with such result for me, i visited my family and stayed the night at my sister place when of course i didn't make it to bed before the night. so it meant good 21 hours up. only my eyes were tired, i mean i work a lot with my eyes recently.
so when i finally got to sleep i saw a dream of my ex-boyfriend, not bad romance, the previous, previous one, i want to call him James, so let's say he's James now. we had really complicated relationship and knowing our starsigns in which i really don't believe, we must have been perfect for each other. but things don't work out very well when in your relationship is some third part and if i'm honest, for some time i was the third part.. more honest, i don't even have the excuse of saying that i didn't know it and that itb wasn't my mission to get them appart. he was mine..
anyway when James and i were having still quite hot relationship (but we were seperated because of the long distance and our responsibilities and the promise of not keeping the strings attached) we made a bet. which of course i won, i hardly bet on anything if i'm not really sure that i will win it, or maybe 75% sure that i'll win. so what was the prize - anything i want. did i get it? well here's the point. when he came back from his long distance run from this damned place, i had met bad romance. and that previous one. don't get me wrong i'm not slutty or anything, but he was months away, we had said that there were no strings attached from both sides and at one point i got that the thing between us was more like comfortzone.. and that he never called me when he was sober.. i wish i could say the same about myself... see i have this unique ability to actually understand the things i'm doing when i'm drunk, it's like you'll never get a call, a text or email from me when i'm drunk and i haven't completly thought through what i want to achive with that. honestly i was a lot younger then and foolishly thought things will change when i have a reason to tell him everything from my heart when i'm drunk. that means the bad things, not the big 'i love you so much' phonecall, how he hurted me with that girl etc. you know what they say- that a drunk person tells the truth, coward, i know, i was back then. soon after that i understood that it was a no-go.
so our story ended, we met few times, but the bets arward i haven't still got. and i even forgot about it. i remembered it few days ago when i had to work on something and that reminded me our bet, and surely i thought about him, tiny thought got into my head that maybe now things would work.. maybe that was the reason i saw dream of James tonight. that we were back together. so i gave it a longer thought and then realized, before contacting him, that it would be such a mistake. wasn't i the one who said that when relationship has ended and you try to rebuilt it, it's like warming up the soup and that is never a good thing? so i have my piece of mind, no we wouldn't fit, we had a reason why we didn't fit at first place, that one was a good one, so 'no, no, no!'
blame it on the full moon again

wake me up, wake me up before the sunrise

good morning!
they say for body it take 2 weeks time to adjust with changes. i've had about 3.5 weeks and now i'm getting there, you know getting used to work as a white person from 9 to 5.
last year i thought i was the only person who went to (our) school at 8, this year, the picture looks even sadder. i mean i leave my building just in time to see if students are going to university for 8 o'clock classes.
i have to moan now. though i love waking up early - makes the day longer, i hate it when i can't sleep enough on my free days - oh i forgot, i don't have those for this month. my weekdays look like this - work - 2x a week school after work, if no school, then to home to work on my thesis. weekend - saturday libary and sunday homework on my thesis. i better get a freaking A for this hard work i'm doing now. at least february is short month. somehow i like it and also i am afraid of it. i'm afraid i won't make it to all goals i set for myself. but we'll see. also work is either dead boring or so much running in one week that you can bearly imagine. still i like it, but... you know there's always buts. anyway i've managed to fill the 'nothing to do at work' gap with useful data analyzes for my thesis.
it can't be unnoticed, that there are people who are happy for me and there are people who are mean to me, who used to treat me better. i haven't changed since i dress now better and have more resposibilities, but few older people who i knew from the beginning of my days in our building treat me like i've done somethig bad to them. it's not like i slept with someone to get that job, i've paid a lot and i've studied a lot and my work is also not just looking pretty and smiling. and yet they are mean to me. i guess they never thought i could climb this high. well their loss anyway.
now my new goal is to quit coffee... again, let's see how long can i manage..
even though i'm tired, i still take a little time to watch my celebrity crush. every morning, it really makes my day.
until next time :)

we had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun... and in the rain

as i'm trying on clothes what to wear tomorrow in an exam with JC and after that at my first day as unofficial assistant, i started to think - am i like the lady with the dog? will i feel sadness when i'm leaving them after next saturday?
the answer is no. you ask why. well maybe because i'm not going THAT far away, i suspect it has something to do with the eagerness in me to start in a new position. unlike to me, i've kept my mouth pretty shut about it, just closest people and some others who are kind of involved.
i won't lie, i enjoyed the time there with my co-workers, bigger part of them are my friends. but nothing that i would really miss... okay, maybe some good bitchin'. surely i won't miss those times when i had to work on saturdays, yet more on sundays. come on! or running from work to home to see canada gp, or to go to work after australian gp or after some nascar races, i've been close to trainwreck (feeling, not looking).  i can wear high heels again.. of course now i only see positive sides, forgetting all the pressure and resposibility i have, but let me live in my dream perfect world for a bit before the reality hits me.
keep your fingers crossed for my exam with JC.. i tried skirt but THAT one would be too much for first day at work.

after that night i don't have to look for falling stars for a while

oh well, i finally did it. i've aimed higher and reached a goal i set to myself, even quicker than i hoped for. i know i don't really know how to write anything while i'm feeling so damn good. last attenpt basically ended with only one word - whoohoo!!!
so i took a chance in which i really didn't believe in, i knew i had other options, but not that comfortable as that last one. i joked on it and then all the suddenly, it was a certain plan - i go and i do it!
and all this started develop so fast, you have no idea, monday was the interview and on friday i singed, sealed and it was delivered to me - that baby is mine! it's quite difficult to understand all that still, now when i've had time to think about it for longer. anyway a good reason to buy some shoes and clothes. i put my eye on new phone too - pink it must be, even though i'll get a work phone too. feels so grown up. i've even abandoned my 3-rd, 4-th, 5-th and 6-th earring (thank god that my tattoo and bellybutton ring are quite hidden from everyone's eyes). btw my contract says that i'm not allowed to get preagnant for next 1.5 years. no problem there until i'm in charge in that area. it's not like you fall preagnant as you fall ill, right :)
there was this intense time between wednesday and friday, the second interview and then waiting for the decision. anyone who's seen  Kimi Räikkönen, or at least seen his faceexpression pretty much all the time - emotionless, you maybe could imagine me as him. as funny as it might sound for an emotional person as i am - i felt the same way, not really encouranging myself, always be ready ready for the best, but be more ready for the worst solution. i tried not to show my emotions to my co-workers, everybody knew anyway, these things are never secret in our house. and not only that, i was competing against my own friend. for me it's the worst feeling ever, one of us had to lose. and i've lost to her once. we joked with my co-workers that if i land this thing then i'll act like those america's next top models - first act surprised and think - oooohhh it's me.. and then start to cry as loud as possible..
to say that i was surprised wouldn't be entirely true, though i'm not so sure if i'm entirely ready to take that much resposiblity on my shoulders... well we just have to wait and see how things turn out.
at this moment one thing is clear - i don't have problems getting weekends off for f1 or nascar (okay, i don't really need a off-weekend for nascar, but i'm not really thrilled about thinking that i should work after i've woken up at 2.a.m to watch the race), and then feel bad about this because of my co-workers.
i've worked for this chance for 2.5 years, now it's time to show that i'm worth it :)

it's that heat, that heat, that heat...

okay, this goes weird now. my tonight's dream i think. lately i have problems with sleeping, as i have mentioned before i guess. now there's an addition to my problems. i blame the heat, for many nights i just cannot sleep because my appartment is way too hot.
tonight i was with unfairly genetically blessed guy again. it's been a while from the last time he appeared in my dreams. he appeared to be like a security guy, only not wearing any kind of uniform (that things never works for me), but i knew it was him and he was kind of taking care of me (usually those things don't happen, i'm too independent to let a man take care of me). he took me from one place to the other, so we had to spend a little time in the tiniest elevator i have seen. just like the one i have in my building, only even smaller. we were there very close to each other and i told him that he needn't to do that, it's not like i don't know how to use an elevator or even less, know the building, for some reason this place should have been the one i knew. i was quite rude with him, for some reason it seemed i was angry at him. he told me that i know exactly why he had to do it, which i didn't, to be honest. and even less i show to men that i don't get what they are saying. so we came out of the elevator, i made him a proposition, more like a silent one, because i don't remember saying anything to him. at that moment i looked only at the skirt i was wearing, not long, not short, the last black one i brought, which shows amazingly well my figure and legs and i was also wearing high heels, because we were on the same hight. we kissed each other on the cheeks and huged and he whispered to me that he couldn't.. just that he couldn't. and that was it, i was like 'okay, then' and left. he just let me walk away only my high heels making sounds in empty silent hallway. and be sure on one thing - i just don't walk away like that...
it's that heat, that heat, that heat...

I'd be foolish to ignore the possibility

i do not understand why is stubborness considered as a bad personal quality. i mean winner never quit, quiters never win, right? so when you give up after even a tiniest obstacle, then why to even bother start fighting. i usually go after what i want and don't give up after all the hope is finally gone and burried, because if there's even a little hope that i might succeed then why should i leave it like that, or i have caught that? take a chance, make a change? yes, surely. and i do it in personal and professional life. well previously did in personal, now also in professional life. i've been always on oppionion that if you do not take chances, you'll regeret it afterwards, like what would have happened if i tried a little bit more. if i have used all possible and impossible chances, then i have no regret, i know what happened when i tried a little more. it might take some time and courage to run against the wall, some have it, some don't. some are willing to run against the wall more than once and just maybe if you have run enough times with good amount of courage, speed and power that wall breaks down and you'll have what you want. but here comes the catch. what bothers me about my stubborness is that after chasing something for long time and then catching it, i lose my interest in it quickly and continue wanting it only because i have worked hard for it. they say that chase is better than catch. so that means i need something to chace after, that triggers my interests and i will never completly catch it, only pieces, because even the most stubborn people give up after some time when they don't see any results, that would really intrigue me. only show me what that might be?

maybe i am on sugar high?

Recently i haven’t slept good at nights. I see a lot of dreams, i wake up too many times and i feel too damn tired in the mornings when i have to wake up. Add to this a little worry about a person whom i haven’t seen in days, too bad i cannot call her and ask if everything's alright. But this nights dream stuck out, the moment i woke up i tried my best to hold on to that, to remember every piece i could. So here it comes. Sounds more like a tv-show this time.

It was a sunny day. I was in a penthouse with 2 girls and a guy and we all knew each other.. well actually i seemed to know the girls. Outside, there was a building in flames, we watched it from the window and it looked terrible. So this guy went completly insane, it’s quite hard to describe what showed that. His girlfriend, also one of the girls, told me that he can’t stand the smell of smoke, that it not only irritates him, it's so much more. Meanwhile we saw how the roof of the building collapsed. For the same reason they went away. I was left in the penthouse all alone and i went through all the rooms. Everywhere was quite noiticeable smell of smoke, me as no-smoker, i’m usually the one who detects all that. So i went to catch up with the girls to give them the information update. The guy, who’s name was supposed to be Brad, was already gone. His girlfriend told me that’s not really good news. We were walking near the beach in some forrest when they both jumped up and started to climb on one pole, becuse of one guy who started to follow us. They told me to do the same. Then i understood that we were supposed to be some kind of creatures, i don’t know what kind really, not vampires i hope, that would be so lame. Anyway they told me that we have to look out for someone who wants to catch us, but before that the guy who wanted to catch us started to climb on the 4-th side of the same pole as we jumped off from it. In that moment came one blonde girl who Brad’s girlfriend just knocked down, saying – could you and him have a little chat?

The other girl told me that this was Brad’s lover and that girl is still a bit angry about that. And that usually we don’t have to be afraid about the guys coming after us, but now it was a different situation.

My god, my dreams are getting weirder and weirder by minute.

drowing lessons

today i had my very first job interview over what 5 years! can you believe that? anyway to not to be nervous, i decided not to tell about it to anyone.. and omg i really managed to surprise myself, until today at 6 p.m anyone who i know didn't know about it. i am a bit superstitious and not only that, later on i don't want to tell really any of 'my people' what might have went wrong.
so first of all, i wasn't quite sure where this place was supposed to be, i gave a little look on it yesterday after the call was made for me to stop by at them, but since i was working on my schoolthingy, i didn't give that much attention or thought, i knew i had pleanty of time in the evening or in the morning. in the evening at home (i was previously spending time in libary when the call came) i was still working on my project, so i still thought okay, i have enough time in the morning.. and with that thought i didn't even bother to pick up the clothes i would wear.
today, it was 9 a.m i started to prepare myself, hair, make-up - easy... clothes - not that easy, but also not that difficult. then - where is my nail polish? okay, quick change to plum purple and it's good. at 10 a.m i started to look how would i get there and with 15 minutes trying to use my brain and knowledges i figured things out. on the last minute of course, at the same time figuring out how i would explain if i was late.
while sitting in the tram i was thinking that if i manage to make it on time there, then i should change my cv a bit, from 'punctual' to 'extremely lucky to manage to make it on time' since lately it happens with my usual work annoyingly often too and i live like 15 min away from my work and seems like i have timed myself with summer so well that i have troubles making it on time in winter.
so there i was, talking to that guy and i didn't feel a thing, no butterflys in my stomach, no nervous smiles or hand shivering, it's like i would do it every day. good and confident, like with JC's presentation in a language i don't feel very comfortable in. though i have to say i lost my head a bit while he was questioning me, but as a positive thing, he praised me for strong comeback. and i still tried to go around like i did with my physics tests at high school.. if you don't know the answer try to spin people's head :)
one thing i know for sure, looking at the next candidate after me - i was better in the looks department ;) i'm still a woman and i don't think that guy was any kind of competition there for me. and i know how to dress better too.. maybe should have said that to my interviewer, too? quality that makes me better than the others, maybe.
anyway keep your fingers crossed for me, soon i should get the answer. though to say, i don't have any kind of feeling about this, did i good or went it bad? i hope i won't be too disappointed when they choose someone else over me, i haven't had an interview for ages, it was about time to do that too.