i've often wondered what could have been...

when do you feel like this is the end? when there's no more things that made you happy.
i know less than a week ago i babbled about a secret which i knew, but couldn't tell because i was too superstitious.
and here i am, feeling all empty. basically no words were spoken and maybe it's even good. i've wasted few months of my life. i certainly am not saying 'no' for possible future, just not now anymore. usually when i'm that far it's all gone, even the future. i am so happy that he was the one who made me feel something after my 3 year lasting emotional drought.
this decision is not made because he wasn't ready to give me what i wanted, i knew that a long time ago. it's that now i feel that my spark has gone. it's time to move on before i'm old and grey and all alone

just say yes

you see i've got a problem. avarage woman cannot keep a secret for more than 48 hours. i've kept one a bit more time. actually this isn't really a secret, just something that i'm unsure about that will happen. and i'm that afraid that if i speak about it, then the tiny hopes i have developed will be crushed again. it's nothing big, just he gave me a hint, a hint that i could be taking a bit wrong. i don't want to get my hopes up, it might not be because of me, however the fact that for at least brief moment he considered it, gave me more than just hope. will i have a second chance? well i know how not to blow it this time.. more than a month to go - good luck being calm and concentrated
for god's sake dear - just say yes
just say there's nothing holding you back

leave the light on your window, my eyes are adjusted to the darkness

there's so many things that have gone wrong in last year. seems like i've really spend horribly much time in darkness, letting things just happen to me and not taking ayn responsibility, finding excuses, just been without making effort for anything. maybe i just thought it's my time to just relax and let things go. well there are consequences and just leaving easy life apparently isn't for me. but where's the fun in easy things anyway... i let go few chances for easier solutions and now here i am...
you know the saddest part - i've always thought that once things go wrong, no matter how you try, you won't get it right back again. this time i'm not ready to give up, i don't need to change me, i just need to show the real me.. i've been covered in darkness, so leave the light on your window, the time is running out soon...