as i grab my pad and my pen and begin to talk from within

i hear the first booms that celebrate new years coming, but there's more 24 hours to go... some people are so impatient. not that i would not be, right... :)
for days i've been trying to remember what i learned from the year that's soon just in our memories..
so first of all i guess the most important for me was that there are more ways to communicate with people than i would have ever dared to imagine. that changed a lot and experimenting in that field has been quite interesting throughout the year. big thanks for the person who introduced me that idea.
one thing i have always known - might trick me once, i won't let you trick me twice or three times... proved it's point again. there are reasons why you shouldn't trust anyone who has screwed you once.
then the emotion what i had when Alonso won in Bahrain, i hoped for it, but didn't really believe until the last lap. and when we are already on Alonso topic - then the best match/game/race last year was for me without a tiniest doubt Singapore! only race that kept me on the edge of the seat until the last corner was passed.. and there was standing Kovalainen with his burning car and fire extinguisher and of course with a yellow flag. i have to tell you, at some point, i think i wasn't even breathing, surely didn't move more than just my fingers to watch livetiming whenever i could turn my eyes away from moving picture on my screen. brazil was a slight disappointment for me, it's my favorite track since 2003 and maybe i'm just too used to the fact that there are usually so exciting races because of the rain. i don't even wanna mention Abu Dhabi. 2 hours after the race drove in a bus and just happened to watch outside - there was a big billboard with a commercial - Ferrari - natural born winner. bitchslap on the face.
oh then the memorable thing - my b'day weekend, the most crazy one i've ever had, at some point spend a little time with one of our country tiny celebrity... anyway, it was really cool. and not only because of that :)
i became aunt again!! adore that precious little creature. she's such a sweetheart
i saw with my own eyes one of my first favorite bands, one of my current favorite singer, had the time of my life in his concert. i haven't ever enjoyed any musicians performance like that.. kisses to him.. and if i would have known for sure that he wasn't gay, i would have gone to the afterparty aswell.=)
skipped many, many JC classes in springtime, though JC is the hottest teacher i've ever had. that caused me dearly - 2 replays from unfairly genetically blessed guy (and a smily face for days) and an exam i had to retake in august (a bit disappointed face for weeks). and i learned from that - i was really participating his classes with extraordinary consistency in fall, only skipping it few times, to watch f1 gp freepractise, after a party that went on for too long and once when i just couldn't get myself up after a very, very long workevening.
then i learned how to wish... well i'm not very good at this, i also haven't had time to do it lately, but i'm rediscovering it again.
then found my limits on how much can i work and study at the same time and how little sleep i need living on energy drinks and caffein - that's about 3-4 hours for a day. and the nights i spend watching gossip girl and house because the lack of sleep (coming naturally), and what emotional crises i could get when i don't sleep enough.
i had to buy a new computer.. slightly sad, but then again, i've always wanted compaq... maybe because of the old habit and supporting R. Schumacher and JP Montoya in BMW Williams, well i've always wanted BMW too, but i don't have licence yet. though next year is the plan certain, thanks to my mummy who's gonna buy them, well actually it's her christmas present for me, driving school, maybe one day BMW could come along way too, i know at least how to spell it ;)
then i found out that if i have again a little shitty mood, i take a look at lewis hamilton's twitter, the luckiest bastard in f1, followed by the finger.. it really makes your day... and he jus dosen't give a fuck.
there was my endless fight for my freedom of speach, but i won it back! hard way but i did it.
i set my sights on the most unlikely affection on earth - my celebrity crush, of course i had seen him before, but never ever i found him attractive...
i found out that the more i disappoint in something or someone the braver i become, somehow it gives me more strengh... few years ago it just broke me down.
you probably have heard about substituing one feeling with another... well i thing i did it with bad romance, when i left him behind i got over it by taking someone else and giving that person all my positive feelings and energy.. i'm starting to get over that too...
finally i've left behind me the 30.12.2007.. probably the lowest point of my life... i'm so over it now
of course there are so many things that left me disappointed this year, but i try to forget them, concentrate on good... and have a hell of  party to celebrate new and even better year.
as always - keep your focus, keep your nerve and aim higher!!!

now there is a fire in me, a fire that burns, this fire is out of control...

hmm, where to start? i think i should start this one from almost 2 years back. me 2 years younger then and a little bit more naive than now. my boss reduced my working hours because the shit state in economy and i couldn't even refuse or something. he picked me and another girl from our little area because we were the one's who also studied. he did it with giving me a promise to give all my workhours back at the first possible chance. as you see in 2 years that hasn't happened. not that the economic state hasn't improved and not because until he hasn't had a chance. for sometime in near past i've told him (and not only giving him hints) that i would like to see that back on my contract. request which he has kindly ignored.
last week i found out that the lady with the dog is going away (yay!!!) and for a moment i thought we should make peace with each other, you know christmas and such, but luckily for me i didn't have a chance and time to do that, until i realized that if i go with a peaceoffer, it makes me again the one who takes the blame for something i haven't done.
anyway at that point i reminded my request again to my boss and he said he is considering it. as the lady with the dog isn't also workig full time and one of our collegues had also reduced her workhours i saw my chance. i guess that this shouldn't have come as a surprise to me when i saw that he took a new person to work on full time and ignored again my request, even though i've been working my ass off for this job for 2.5 years and finally it would be time that he prefer me to other people, as he said me once that he prefers a person who has worked longer for us than me. mildly said - i was so f***ing pissed off and angry it was his pure luck he didn't see me today. i had 2 options - either to be as emotional as i can be (which considering my background is so surprising to some) and tell him i quit or to be colder than usual and ask him if i got it right that he has no plans to give me back what he took away and prefering someone completly new. which was about all i wanted to know.
so as he was not present today i thought that shit things you just don't take with you to new year and as i don't go to work anymore this year i'll finish this tiny thing in style. i wrote him a tiny e-mail saying how disappointed i am. i'm quite sure he will want to talk to me next time we'll see, but already then i know what i'll tell him - that i am not intersted anymore in his excuses and just walk away.
so to another topic. tonight i had a dream about unfairly genetically blessed guy. he was in old farm complex (i know few days ago we talked about those complexes with my sister) and he was about to purpose his girlfriend and i screamed to him - 'don't do that, you'll regret it. it's too soon, you know that too!' and it seemed that for a moment he listened to me, but i knew he didn't give up on that plan, that he wanted that to take place in somewhere new year's even time.
don't get me wrong, i'm not obsessed with UGB guy, i wasn't even slightly thinking about him last night (rather how i'll scream at my boss) and i surely don't know what kind of his girlfriend looks like. but also i cannot say that i couldn't care less about what he is doing in his personal life, god it's quite interesting. it's just weird such dreams pop up like that

maybe it's time for miracles?

may all your dreams come true - that's what my big bosses said few days ago as their christmas wish for us.
you know what - i never wish all my dreams to come true, neither i wish it to anyone else. why? well you'll see that now.
first and foremost - be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it!
christmas for me is not different than any other commercial holiday (though i try to avoid turning completly nuts with this present rally, still i had to brough my family and Chica a present, i love Chicas present, it just caught my eye, nothing expensive, but it almost had her name written all over it), i'm not a christian and honestly don't believe in any that kind of religion stuff. maybe that'll change in years, never say never. for me more important holiday is new year's. but also new years's resolutions are nothing for me, i usually have only one and knowing me that won't change in a while. so why i don't want my or others dreams come true?
when i think about all my wishes in the same time, that would be a threesome with unfairly genetically blessed guy and my celebrity crush (just because i cannot choose between them), location unknown. not completly impossible, but extremely hard to make it happen. oh yeah and these are just 2 first that pop into my mind. just kidding, btw.
then i started to make a list what i want under my tree this christmas, which most probably i won't get and i don't mind really, because dream of something is way better than the real thing is, as my experiences so far have confirmed. you know they say that you shouldn't ever meet your idol, because after you just are disappointed, you hoped for something much more, because your imagination has made a lot better picture of your idol.
why am i so evil and don't want everyone's wishes to come true? here's an example. first, i'm no miss world and i do not want world peace or anything like that. there is a reason why everyone cannot be equal. second, i read from twitter that an unnamed girl (let's keep her like that, for her own sake) wanted for christmas a certain guy under her tree. i wanted to tell her not to wish that, she'll be disappointed, i know that. quite often fantasy is way better than reality, take older person's advice. and i should not leave it unmentioned, but baby, really you may want him, but he has his own wishes too, are they less worth than yours? which makes me think - are someone's wishes better than the others, one's wish excludes the other's - one wants peace, other wants war, who wins? or they can be related, like i may want to have celebrity crush for first 2 weeks in january, but so does someone else (like his girlfriend) i'm honest now, i don't like to share my guys! been there, done that.
oh yeah, you little girl, don't forget that with fun, there's also obligations which are not fun. are you ready to watch him play x-box for half of the day without complaining, rather screaming - 'kill them!!!'?
i have handful of miracles which i wait for to happen, and surely that won't happen this christmas, but hopefully early next year. do not include celebrity crush or unfairly genetically blessed guy handcuffed to my bed, but i wouldn't say no too, if i had a chance ;)
while christmas are not so special for me, i go on a safe road for myself and make my usual new year's resolution - aim higher (thank you, Alfie) and then i go for two people who i support the most, i wish they reach their goals, they are not related anymore so one cannot do harm to another. for my family and friends i wish just luck, they all deserve that. and then there's one thing i promise for christmas, lately i've discovered that i've kind of lost myself - the cheery, positive person has turned into bitchy and moaning old woman. i take a closer look into myself and try to rediscover who i was.
and maybe then it is time for miracles ;)

it takes a worried (wo)man to sing a worried song, (s)he's worried now, but (s)he won't be worried long

in past 2 days i've recived good news. no really, good. but they've made me think and also brought back the little crises i had last summer - i know what i don't want but i have no idea what i want. for moments i forget what for i have worked for past 2.5 years. and once i remember that again i feel depression - it's kind of slipping away from me, i'm living more in fantasy world that the one that's real. you know the world champion of dreaming. i'm still waiting for things to get better and i'm working for it, but for now it seems like nothing is moving, no matter how hard i try. no matter how hard i try to tell myself that i'm gonna touch the sky.
blame it on the full moon

ain't no headlights on the road tonight

you know what, for moths i've been trying to keep myself away from temptation to hold my mind rested and to be ready. that means limiting my alchol consumption to almost none, relax, try to have my as thoughtless mind before going to sleep as possible or just to concentrate of one tiny thing, think on how long time i sleep etc. and when i wake up in the morning, i feel the disappointment, oh well, not tonight then, maybe i should try less. and then i try to try less and nothing happens again.
but not tonight. tonight i have just given up, i've done almost everything i avoided previously. maybe i tried to hard before and forget the essence of that so precious thing in the first place. if i turn out my headlights how can it find me again?

stop call me, stop call me, i don't wanna talk anymore

i finished highschool good couple of years ago. so in my empty hometown there was my classmate, also a friend - one of the skinniest girls i knew back then. anyway that girl got pregnant about 6 months before we graduated. the mystery around who's father of her child kept mine and my friend quite occupied for a long time. until it came out it was thrid(!) guy, someone neither of us didn't even dare to expect. me and my hometown friend got along quite okay for a while, i asked her how's things going with her and her daughter, because i moved a week after graduation. once she got really mad at me, i'm not sure why. on one msn conversation i gave up on being two-faced bitch myself and after she being rude to me i told her that she is no-one to tell me anything because she isn't sure herself who is the father of her child. after some verbal clarification on what we think about each other we call it quits and ended all our communication.
so now about 5 years later when i retured to my empty hometown (i visit it actually quite often) i saw her in local store. i met there my brother who came to pick me up, i just went inside because outside was modestly said cold, and he commented my choice of accessories to which i started to laugh  - oh right, it's empty hometown, how foolish of me to make some fashionstatement there, they find everything that isn't jeans and sneakers weird. then i saw her, sitting in cashier's chair. to make things clear - work is work and i'm nobody to judge people on where they work. anyway there she was, about 2x heavier than she was on our highschool days and looking just fat and ugly. so on the same evening i talked with my mother, as it is empty hometown, then everyone knows everyone then she said that in fact that little girl is taken care by her grandmother.
i remember clearly as she wanted to be perfect mother. and for me it's acceptable if you do not have resourses to take care of your child, but she just doesn't care. she lives 3 km away from her mother and daughter and she doesn't give a damn. her mother says that little girl is more her child than her grandchild. but then again, what do you expect from a person who didn't do a thing not to get pregnant, ever, and was even proud of that. just sorry for the kid - father never didn't give a damn because he works arbroad, now mother doesn't care either. and she was supposed to be a christian. how does her religion pay respect to that? how can you just one day stop being mother? how can you decide one day that no, it isn't worth anymore my time and effort? you created a life, you are responsible of that for the rest of your life! anyone who cannot take it, shouldn't be allowed to have kids, ever!

if you lose me then you know, you're just a bit too slow. i only go up!

about 11 months ago i was devastated - why this, why now, is the insane, does he really just throw everything away? i'm not alking about any of my ex'es.. they are insane anyway if they get involved with me.
earlier this week i read a notice which was similar to the one i read 11 months ago, only difference was that i had a hint about it already on the weekend, in january it just hit me, it was like a thunder without rain.

one song is over another one left, the more you know, the more you know, you try to forget.

needless to say that in january i wasn't really happy about it, but how to break it to unfairly genetically blessed guy? so i just told him that his happiness is the main thing to which he replyed that everything looked good and he was happy. note that we actually don't know each other and don't call or text or mail every other day. just sometimes when i'm really lucky he has something to say. anyway that answer gave me a little peace of mind, but i still didn't want him to go after the thing he said he wanted, how selfish am i! i mean i wanted him to do something maybe he didn't want anymore. i selfishly thought that he is taking the easiest way, that he is giving up on my (and i believed it was also his) dream, because he was tired of fighting. and i started to thing that he was on giving up course only because of one setback..  (okay, maybe there was more..) i wasn't even ready to accept that the he might have changed his mind about his dream.
as i've mentioned before there was something that kept him on my radar. for many times i discovered enjoying the things he was doing, he was good and i felt more proud of him than his own mother i think. but in my mind i still hoped that it was just a little breather before he returned to make my life easier, to place where it was easier for me to keep my watchful eye over him. he didn't think so.
on monday i read the news which wasn't really nothing new for me anymore. my first reaction was - he is in good place, he looks good, he even smiles, i hope he knows what he is doing and is sure his decision is true, because once  that thing is signed, sealed and delivered, he belongs to them. there's no turning back without being labeled once again as defeatist, he is not like that, i know it!
next morning i woke up, better rested than ever, more cheerful than ever on tuesday morning (yep not even my favorite tv-show can't make me smile like that, even though there's my celebrity crush), no worries, because i know he did good. i'm happy for him ready to accept his decisions and not only fully support it, but also approve it. if i had two more hands, i'd give unfairly genetically blessed guy 4 thumbs up. now he just has to settle with two. i love him!
the only way to go is up and i know it won't be a slow ride

Baby if I act like that, flipping my blond hair back, push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

i know i'm not really blessed with a lot of patience and lately i happen to lose easily my patience with my customers many times. how can someone ask so stupid question, no really, somtimes i even can't come up with equally stupid answer.
i really don't consider myself as brilliant person, i just judge the others. and i think that i can use more my intelligence than the others. the fact that i don't raise my hand when teacher asks something doesn't mean that i don't know the answer. after last idiotic question i recived few days ago i started to wonder why is today's youth (and especially girls) that stupid.
when i was in slightly younger i had dictionaries and references books to look for information, we actually studied things. today we ask - what would google do? there is that magic and i admit, i'm good in googling, one thing that i certainly studied in my information search class. kids have iphones, blackberries and those other modern gadgets to get their information and what's worse, those poor things even doesn't aknowledge that this info might be inadequate. they lack that little brainpower to deal with that also memory to remember some information.
so why are especially girls that stupid? not only in educational level, i mean in whole. that's so hard to explain, but i try. when girls see in their tender age that there is a role model who doesn't know how to dress and says that men respect her and she is making serious career by not putting any clothes on then most probably these little airheads think that maybe is she acts like that, that guy will call back. and there are so many of them... you don't believe it.
in conclusion here's something that made me giggle few days ago, in reality it's not that hard to believe that it could be true
"Today, without even trying, I convinced my 17-year-old daughter that blueberries are just peas holding their breath. I have raised a complete airhead."

it's if i'm scared, it's if i'm terrified

today i walked out of the third medical instituion i visted with the biggest grin on my face. but let's get back to the beginning.
some 5-6 years ago my then doctor diagnosed that i had a nasty little bug inside me, to say so and it future it could cause a bit trouble to me. and prescribed me killer antibiotics to get rid of that. needless to say that antibiotics and me don't go together well - i was not only on verge of fainting in that 5 days i took them, i fainted during that time repeatedly, lost all my appetite (not bad though), my once broken arm was swollen from the place i broke it and multiple other problems kept occuring. i think i should say that when she examed me back then, she just relied on my complaints and descriptions and just by pushing to places i said hurted.
so now last week the similar symptoms occured again. i tried to keep that to myself as much as possible, i hate to worry my family members. and it's with all things, last year when i had some work trouble i didn't tell any of my family member about it. why? well i guess i'm afraid, i know my 2 sisters would worry like hell, but my mother is different case. she either is worse than those two or she tells me to get over it, or it's not that big deal. usually it's the last one, i hate when someone especially my mother says that it's not a big deal.
so i read all these places where they described the diseases and their description of symtops and mine seemed just like alike. the least to say was that i was terrified. what helps the best then? distract yourself with something else. luciky i had to work, which meant i had no time to vist any doctors. it didn't mean of course that i wasn't like sitting on needles. oh yeah, since i was so afraid of harming myself some more, i refused to drink wine at my sisters husband b'day party (imagine their faces now). finally today i got things going on and visited first place where they told me i could get appointment first in the middle of january. then i visited my new doctor who ruled out one of the sicknesses we discussed, but left the one that kept me worried even more and my new doctor instrucked me to go back on the first place. she also suggested me another place, where at last i got my full examination, which said that i didn't have that 'bug' 5-6 years ago even in first place, and not eveb now. that meant i have just a tiny virus or something. wow, i wonder where my first doctor got that crazy idea to put me on antibiotics for nothing then?

when heavens turn you know you'll shine, you're in my heart for all time

sometimes i try to recall how it all happened and why i keep supporting unfairly genetically blessed guy so much. now it's because all the old topics have rosen again, people talk about it a little, then maybe in next 4-5 months they find again the old topic and it goes on like this for a while. you know that sometimes you pick your favorites so that you can relate somehow with them, there was (and i suppose still isn't) anything that would be in common with us, maybe only the fact that we both are a bit revengeful, but that i learned later. he's not like my celebrity crush or unlike any of my previous guys in the same area i have supported, well to be honest, he is quite good looking. i know i like guys with whom goes all the mess and stuff, that makes them just interesting and also the rich boys who have that sort of attitude, they know what they are worth, though i don't see that last part in him anymore, rather than just human with his flaws and all.
anyways he came into my life from completly blank space, i saw him in action first time the weekend i was a bit out of myself, some difficult family business, i wasn't really myself back then. sometimes i can remember things so clearly, this time there's vague memory of him from that weekend, but already then i had a tiny hint, he might be good one, however not with the best future prospects.
within time i started to feel a little sympathy for him and it grew into such supporting which i haven't ever done before. from some point i knew he was better than it showed. and then happened THAT thing from where things never were the same. i was so afraid that moment he might have injure himself and second thought after that was - i don't want to lose my new favorite again. in my heart he was mine long before, but in my head that was the moment he was confirmed as the one that point.
funny thought that later on things turned out to be completly different. less than a year later he was out of everyones radar, being accused and accusing himself, what a messy story. i'm not saying that it was tough for me, but it was difficult to read things written about him and trying to convince people that things weren't so black and white. you know people who haven't achived anything themselves are so quick to judge someone who has got a little more and done a mistake. i liked him, but even though if i haven't, after i had bit myself through all the story, i understood everything what happened and why. and the people who judge, they just spill their hate all around, even on people who weren't slightly involved with that case. anyway i know for unfairly genetically blessed guy it must have been hell for few months at least. but he got through it, smarter and more mature than ever. and all my support grew even bigger. and then he moved to another picture.
i know myself and i know that i really don't bother myself with trying to find out what my previous guys are doing after they step out of the picture. however he stayed on my radar, i track down what he's doing, i'm interested in that world (really strange!), maybe i just had too little time with him and i didn't want to let go of him yet, maybe i believed in him more than i have believed in anyone else, maybe he is just drop dead gorgeous and my eyes just rest looking at him. who knows.
but one thing is for sure, he'll be in my heart all the time, in one special place that belongs only to him. and he'll shine (i'm positive he will shine!), there where he lands, i might not approve his choices at first, but i have to trust his judgement, he knows more than i never will.

i hope it changes, hope my life changes, get's alright somehow, i'm waiting for tomorrow

seems like no heavenly hand will come down and help me to change my life. i decided to take that matter into my own hands for a change. i've had quite a productive day, i have worked on getting new job aswell as my final project for school. kind of terrifying to think that just few years ago i left my comfortzones - old job, good salary, my bad romance, my hair and my tiny appartment. all at the same time, all for this goal, to once again start to leave my comfortzone school and work. i think i'm ready to do almost the same - leave the work i have done for so long time, leave the house where i have laughed so much, but also which has made me stronger, the high-tension situations are more than just common not only work related, also people related. i have to say i'm dreaming and imagining so much about leaving, how i'll say to my boss that now i quit that in fact i don't pay much attention to things going around me. i know i'll leave sooner or later. anyway few days ago when i didn't pay much attention my co-worker told me that sometimes she wonders what for i'm being paid. i know she joked. but it's true, i could be so much better, i just don't bother, i don't see my career going on there, i don't see reasons why i should give my everything to place where i'd stay just as a little bit of furniture, i'm more ambitious than that. now that school is starting to end soon, it feels to terrifing, everything i've known is going to change. so fast, again. where do we go from here now, nobody knows, i think nobody knows....
so now i took the matter in my hands more securly, sending out my cv-s and hoping for quick reply, just an interview somewhere would do a little good, for my ego of course.
anyway talking about job reminded me a situation. yesterday met my old colleague who left for a while ago. we talked about our mutural aqauintances and what they are doing, suddenly we had a conversation about my bad romance. he was working with us too.. she told me that he was charming and i did agree adding that he was charming and good looking until he started to get bald, very early if you ask my opinion. she asked me if i was one of the people under his spell too. i just looked up to the ceiling and had an angels look on my face - 'i might have...' i told her how he was sacked on mutural agreement. you know what it means - you have screwed things up repeatedly, but you are good enough person not to screw and write that on your letter of recomendation (if you'll get that). funny thing was that for some unknown reason i didn't tell her everything i know about the story. that he had affair with his boss and that's why he wasn't sacked before and that all leading people in our house knew that, they weren't really hiding or something, if you knew what to look (them hand in hand). though i didn't have really reason to protect him, our story ended up somehow bad. i know why i left out our little story, embarassing to admit that he fooled me quite some time. and surely all my feelings are dead and gone for quite some time.
which leads me to a conclusion - if there's no need to screw someone you don't have to tell every bit and piece you know. am i considered a better person now?

all rise, i'm gonna tell it to your face, i rest my case

i have to admit, if i were him, i would have used all my knowledges in my own good. and it seems like he didn't, which was a good idea. though i doubt that he has better forseeing ability than i have (or else he wouldn't have ended up the way he did), i'd like to believe he is just decent enough not to use all information he's got. first win of many, i hope. let's go my boy, i have my fingers crossed for you! i do not dare to say if i think it'll bring him back to where i always wanted him to be... life has a funny way of fu**ing with me and my hope

why don't you love me when i make me so damn easy to love?

imagine this:
i'm public figure, successful in what i'm doing, a natural talent, charming, intelligent good looking. i'm married to almost equally charming, talented and good looking person, also a public figure. our personal life we mostly keep to ourselves and don't show off with what we've got.
so in my career i'm good, probably the best around and i've worked for this very hard, nothing comes easy you know. and surely there are people who have helped me, but also (and even more) helped themselves behind my back, to achive some good goals. and that means i've been part in some controversies. and i have a temper, but i'd rather be a person with emotions than emotionless. i know how to motivate people around me to be better, to do better. i motivate myself to be better and to never give up even when the situation looks hopeless. i respect my rivals and always wish good for the one's who have helped me throughout my career. and i have co-workers, who tend to be weaker than i am. and there have been bosses who have favorited me, not because i have asked for it, but because i'm just good or they have their own personal preferences, nothing that i can change really, there also have been bosses who have had prefered my co-workers... also sometimes i lose my ability to stay calm when that weaker co-worker is slowing me down, causing me to lose valuable time.
i make mistakes, but i admit doing them, not send someone else to take the blame for me, just because i'm too afraid to take responsibility for my own actions. sometimes i can even take the blame for my whole company, to show and reaffirm them that i'm not thinking of myself as individual, i'm part of them.
i'm confident in myself, i know i'm good, but i don't go and rub it under everyone's nose, i don't show off with that, try to keep my feet on the ground, just a simple person as i am.

you could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare either way i don't wanna wake up from you

i happen to see every night dreams, i know that, i remember fractions from them, if i can tighten those pictures quickly enough, i remember some of those throughout the day. the pictures, moments comes usually back to haunt me at school, while i watch how one building is being destroyed or airplain is landing (or as i once said that plain is flying down, i see that very clearly from one of my classes). sometimes when i'm really very lucky i see dreams that i remember from beginning to the end, they are the one's where i have seen that unfairly genetically blessed guy and one another too, not less genetically blessed, i remember every bit of those, colours, smiles, jokes.. far away again... but usually i see the one's which are later just shred to little pieces and i can never have full picture of what happened.
few nights ago i saw my dream as a movie a bit more that just fractions, i've had tv-show and a cartoon quite recently but it was a movie where i wasn't the lead character (ouch that hurts my ego, this was supposed to be my dream) and i was there helping the man lead character (my celebrity crush) to find something (someone) and he was soooo adorable, you cannot believe. you know sometimes it's hard to wake up after you've been in a world that's so much better than the one you're living in. i guess we must have found her in the end, i'm missing that fraction, but i know that this movie ended and then i woke up with a smile on my face, knowing that it was time, not that something forced me to wake up.
no walls no houses in my empty hometown, not a single gateway, but you know darling under my wing is your sweet, sweet home
don't know why but i feel the need to hear darren now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIW4CHeSNyU

'while you've been sleeping, she's been up, since i don't know when - never waste her time'

'this is 4 my people, 4 my party people'
because of a sh***y night and a little sleep i've had a lot of time to think. at night, at work, everywhere. not only think, dream too. if there was world championship on dreaming, you bet i'd win it. even when i work i think all the time, my own thoughts nothing related to work of course (sometimes you think a monkey could do what we are doing there), which one of my next door bosses jokingly accused me off, meaning i don't do much work when i'm having my own thoughts. men, they have no idea what means multitasking, to be honest, same goes for some woman. anyway where was i - oh today i had exclusive view of some of my co-workers and i swear, they start to look and act and talk like our boss. i know i'm not, because he always says that i have loud voice and he doesn't, you have to get soooo close to him to hear what he says and that's only one thing.
the way he talks, one of my co-workers copys that so well, she doesn't even understand she does it. the other is just like him proudly presenting our products like they were her childern. yes, it's the lady with the dog. it's just impossible to put those actions in words. you have to see that. it's like married couples, they start to behave alike.
luckily i'm not really in that marrige, i'm again just a bystander, it was such a fun to watch those two girls today. btw why didn't i join them like i would have usually done? well since the lady with the dog is toxic and she isn't popular enough to risk with my mental health and after THAT night i really didn't miss any company, so it meant no go with the other one too.
i really wanted to work on my school project tonight, at least some time, it's still saturday, but after this sleeplessness from night i decided to watch at last 'incepion' thinking it wouldn't be that hard on my head as project would have been, oh god how wrong i was. i was superimpressed with leonardo dicaprio after seeing 'shutter island' in winter/spring this year, and i wouldn't have even seen that if my friend hadn't bought 'accidentally' 1 extra ticket, clever from Chica (you have no idea what trick she came up that i'd read 'twilight' which i had completly closed out) not really a fan of dicaprio. anyway, just in spring we had a discussion if it could be possible to mess with peoples mind like that. have to say i liked that movie, even though it's hard to believe things could go down to that extreme, but still.. you never know for sure until you haven't been proved on the opposite
also have praise our music girl, gone are all Pussycat Dolls and Cheryl Cole's songs and at last we have some normal music, for example Robbie and the pearl of the playlist - Queen 'bohemian rhapsody', if everything else is quite sh***y at work, at least i have some good music.. well maybe a bit Amy Winehouse and Mika and Maroon 5 and it could be really bearable.