quick, slow, high or low, with me you're never gonna know for sure

as for a typical person who is in love, or rather call it lovesick, i change my mind. you see it's still christmas coming up. and for a person who's such an attention-whore as i am, it's impossible to keep herself in her office all day long or wearing just dark clothes and not taking care of herself, i like to be noticed. i tried to be as cold as ice, i really did, but there's a fire in me and fire that burns. so i decided i go for a new strategy, not talking about it for longer, but at this moment it makes me happy and that's the point, right? to be happy and to enjoy moments i have, even if they're just tiny ones.

if i go back once again it's like i learned nothing, standing at the front of the queue heading for trouble

i have two visions in my head - one of me in the past and one in the (near) future.
she is wearing all black - skirt and shirt looking adoringly that guy.. that morning she woke up at 5 a.m and got herself dressed, did hair and make-up, nails were done evening before and before the event went to work to serve other people. she was ready to be that evening's princess, but didn't catch really his eye, because in his arms was pretty red-head.
she will be wearing sexy black and beige unique designer dress with high black heels, probably upstaging every female that eveing, make-up done my a friend who is make-up arist, hair by her too, nails by professional, slimmer than ever. that morning she'll wake up at 10 or 11, because beauty sleep is necessary, spend day with her friends who'll make her pretty. everyone will notice her, they will be greeted by her with smile on her face, but look in her eyes is not soft and adoring - it's full of envy. she might be the star of the evening but he has eyes only for someone who looks like a wet kitten.
it's like i'm talking about two different persons. only the end will be the same.. what should i learn from my past experience that the next one wouldn't hurt? or hurt that much?

i am fragile too

have i ever said that once you cry your first tears over someone you never look that person the same way again? there then, i said it now
sometimes i honestly think why do i bother to feel anything, mostly i get back for my feelings just hurt. any surprise it happened again? no need to go into details, it's my interpretation anyway.. and there's his interpretation. probably two very different things.
with my first sentence i say it out that i won't feel for him feelings i felt before, they have flaws in and my tears too. this fairytale is broken before it had real story in it...
and with that conclusion i make a promise and i say it out loud making it a promise too to someone else who bothers to read, so i'll keep it better - she will be as cold as ice